6. Social anxiety is a bitch

and here's how i got over her

I started to notice my social anxiety was bad when I was studying to become a teacher. Part of this qualification included a ten week practical experience where you visited a school as a student teacher. I was put on a kindergarten class and assigned a supervising teacher whose role it was to guide me through this process. During this block, I arrived at school eager to learn and to impress this mentor. I then stumbled through lessons as I attempted to wrangle a room full of five year olds according to the very specific and often unsaid rules of my supervising teacher. After each lesson I was then bombarded by her negative judgement. At the time, I brushed off this criticism as ‘part of the learning experience’. I reminded myself that it’s okay to be a beginner, it’s okay not to be great yet and it’s totally normal to feel outside of your comfort zone. 

Looking back, I have a different perspective. I agree that it can be a privilege to be a beginner at something. It’s an opportunity for learning and personal growth. But what is not okay is being constantly talked down to and belittled by an authority figure, particularly someone who’s paid job it is to facilitate your education. I can see now that she was perhaps more of a a bully, rather than a mentor. 

Unfortunately, this constant nit-picking slowly chipped away at my self-esteem. I internalised her harsh words and negativity. I started to believe that I was a terrible teacher, which made me feel embarrassed and ashamed. But more than that, I started to believe that I was a terrible person. The voice inside my head took on her demeaning tone. I told myself that I was lazy, ugly and worthless. If I made a mistake, even something relatively inconsequential - I forgot to pack a water bottle or I was five minutes late to meet a friend due to traffic - I totally broke down. I scolded myself, making promises to be more careful or prepared next time. I started to believe that I was a deeply flawed person who didn’t deserve anything good to happen to them ever. 

I called my family less often. I rarely wanted to leave the house. My circle of friends shrunk until I only interacted with my boyfriend and housemates. Making decisions about what to wear or where to eat was totally off the table. And meeting new people -  well, that became my biggest fear of all.

For me, I experience feelings of anxiety in my body, namely in my chest, throat and hands. My chest constricts, my breathing gets shallow and out of rhythm, my throat feels like it’s shrinking and talking feels impossible. My hands get sweaty and I often find myself pressing my fingers nails into my palms so tensely it leaves a mark.   

Social anxiety is a disorder where social interactions cause irrational anxiety, fear, self-consciousness and embarrassment. Symptoms may include excessive fear of situations in which one may be judged, worry about embarrassment or humiliation or concern about offending someone. Ironically, at the time I knew that my reaction to socialising was irrational and yet I felt totally powerless to control my body’s response. 

Now, three years since the peak of my social anxiety, I realise that these feelings have simmered down. The worry is not completely gone but it’s also not something I struggle with daily anymore. 

(Note: I don’t love the language ‘my social anxiety’. I’ve learnt to think of anxiety as a temporary feeling or experience that last a short time, rather than a condition to label myself by.) 

I am no psychologist - I speak only from experience as your internet-big-sister-type, but I thought I would share a few of the things that have helped me escape the clutches of social anxiety in hopes that it might help one of you too.  

Firstly, I removed myself from environments where I was receiving an overwhelming amount of unhelpful, negative feedback. Failure and mistakes are an essential part of learning, but what I learnt from this experience is that truly great teachers share feedback that is empowering rather than demeaning. It’s not always possible to remove yourself immediately from these situations - I had to wait until I had completed the requirements of my degree before I could be rid of this supervising teacher - but I am now much more mindful about who I seek feedback from whenever possible.  

Secondly, I threw myself into activities outside of work that allowed me to set my own goals and see tangible progress. For me this was running. It was something I could do almost daily, where I could visibly see improvements. My watch told me I was running faster or covering longer distances than before. This boosted my confidence and gave me a sense of worth. Running also allows me to get out of my head and into my body, cutting off negative spirals before they become damaging. I know running is not everyone’s cup of tea, so any low-stakes hobby will do. 

Next, and I think this has been one of the greatest gifts that anxiety has given me, is that I reassessed the social situations I was exposing myself to. I like to believe that rejection, disappointment, anxiety and depression and are nudges from the Universe that you are off course in some way. I took a step back from the friends and activities that I was prioritising and got honest with myself. Did these friends align with my values or had we outgrown each other? Was I spending time, money and energy on activities that brought value and joy to my life or was I wasting my time away doing things simply because everyone else was? I let go of people and habits that were no longer serving me and felt an instant sense of relief. 

Finally, I found ways to use my voice again. As I mentioned early, I feel anxiety most strongly in my throat. I suppress my emotions and become voiceless. Choosing to talk to trusted friends and family, my psychologist and telling stories through writing and video has helped me to release this fear and earn my confidence back.  

Although I sometimes I wish I had never had to go through these challenging experiences, I know that I have come out the other side a stronger person. I know what I value in life and have stopped wasting time and energy on things that don’t matter to me. I became a more compassionate and patient person (expect when my boyfriend leaves his stinky soccer boots in the bedroom!). It motivated me to be a more thoughtful teacher, always aiming to lift my students up with useful feedback. If social anxiety is something you are dealing with at the moment, know that you are not alone and that there is always someone to talk to. It can and will get better.